I have coined a new phrase based on my experiences last night. The term is "cuddle rape" and may be altered with various suffixes to denote past tense, present tense, and multiplicity. I.E., I was cuddle raped last night. This is actually a true statement and was the basis for my creation of the term. I know - it's quite witty of me. A cuddle rape takes place when one party forces the other to cuddle against one's own will by preying on the victim's kindness and unwillingness to hurt the cuddle rapists feelings. Now I know it seems that this is unlikely to happen but it does - it happened to me and in an effort to educate others about the dangers of cuddle rape I will share my story. I am taking back the night. (For those of you who didn't watch Beverly Hills 90210 you may not understand the phrase "take back the night" but it means that a woman takes ownership of her rape by telling people about it - thus taking back the night from the man or vice versa in the event of the rare woman rapes man scenario) Okay so I meet this guy - he invites me over to his house to watch a movie. I agree. I arrive with wine he requested I bring. We discuss former relationships and dating experiences. He sounds a bit bitter and I wonder when the last time he got laid was. Red flags abound in my mind but I desperately try to remain open minded because he is cute, has a really nice apartment and lots of nice stuff. He then begins finding ways to make contact with me - playful hitting, squeezing etc...I am not 10 years old so this type of flirting is basically lost on me anymore...I give him raised eyebrows and pointed looks to try and convey that this seems immature and not endearing to me. He does not get the point and kicks me as he walks to the kitchen to refill our wine glasses. He pours himself a bigger glass. Bullshit I'm thinking - I bought that fuckin' wine. He makes a few homophobic jokes (we were watching the Sopranos) and when I say I love gay people (and I really do - especially gay men) he asks me if I'm a fag hag...again my eyebrows raise and I try and explain that the fact that I like gay men does not automatically make me a fag hag. All of a sudden he's kind of laying his head on my boob and I'm thinking how did he manage to get there? Now he's holding my hand and rubbing it and I'm thinking, "remain calm, try to relax and go with the flow, don't freak out on him, try to enjoy it" I shift a little and he immediately demands, in an acusatory manner - like if I said no there would be something seriously wrong with me, to know if I like to cuddle...I'm no liar and I normally LOVE to cuddle, as long as I feel intimacy with that person, so I blurt out the truth, "Yea, I love to cuddle." I immediately realize the error of my truthful ways as he proceeds to grab my arm and yank me into a laying position beside him on his slippery leather couch. I don't really know what to do at this point and I feel so bad for him because I think he must be starved for human affection - I mean who makes someone spoon on a first date??? So I let him spoon me for a minute and I am slipping off the couch and we are awkwardly positioned because he placed me in this position against my will and I am as stiff as a board so I finally speak up and tell him "I'm not really comfortable" He does not respond verbally but rather grabs me and pulls me even closer to him and now I am in his vice grip. I feel like I am going to wretch but I am still trying to be polite and open-minded and then thankfully - the show ends...I tell him I have to go to the bathroom. Upon returning from the bathroom I find him still laying on the couch with his arms open looking at me as if to say "Come back here and cuddle some more." I throw up a little in my mouth. I make my excuse..."I have to get up early - I should go." He dejectedly says goodbye and doesn't even bother to walk me to the door. FUCK HIM SO HARD!!!!!! What an asshole! What the fuck did he expect? Anyways - I get to my car, check my messages, and lo and behold while I was getting cuddle raped, the guy I really like has called to hang out and I didn't answer because I was politely allowing myself to be cuddle raped. It's too late for me now. I really do need to get home to bed. I yell FUUUUUCCCKKKK. And that's my story.
